čet, 16. veljače '06 u 21:55
Serbia had plan to be huge, sprawling nation compromising of large chunks of Southern and Eastern Europe. Roots of state reach back to 10th century BC, when Klingon tribe settled in area. Only historical documents mentioning them in this period were written by members of tribe themselves, as they have invented phonetic alphabet, along with irrigation, masonry and God. How Serbs ended up in Balkans 16 centuries before their actual migration is mystery, along with fact that they built churches in Byzantine style more than millennia before Christianity and Byzantium, but this seemed to be internal joke between tribesmen that historians don't really get today.
Contents
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* 1 History
o 1.1 Overview
o 1.2 Early period (10th century BC - 7th century AD)
o 1.3 Wars with Ottoman Empire (15th century - 18th century)
o 1.4 "Modern" Serbia
* 2 Serbia Today
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History
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Overview
1389: f**ked by the Ottomans
1914: f**ked by Austro-Hungaria
1941: f**ked by the Germans
1991: f**ked by the Croatians
1995: f**ked by the Bosnians
1999: f**ked by NATO
2004: f**ked by the Albanians
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Early period (10th century BC - 7th century AD)
Earliest mention of Serbs among ancient Greek historians is after Battle of Phillipolis where army of Smurfs, 15 litle man strong, took over whole country. Papa smurf ruled country until he was called-up for trial in Haag.
Serbs' first contact with Roman Empire was in 31AD, when invading Roman army was decimated by two sleeping toddlers. Chiefs of Serbian tribes, after night of heavy drinking, decided that it would "be hoot" to go invade Rome, which they promptly did. multi-party constitutional democracy was instituted; much more liberal than old Roman Republic, and Rome reached new Golden Age in few short months. However, since they were defeated by handful of drunken barbarians, Roman historians decided to ignore this period after Serbs sobered up and went home to get breakfast, leaving emperor Tiberius free to restore old Imperial system.
Subsequent Serbian adventures bothered other people of that age on south Europe, and mighty Hun force was accepted like saviour for those poor people! That was historical mistake but those people have had no other ways to release themselves from Serbian adventures.
Other Southern Slavs that began arriving in 6th century were not impressed by their new neighbours, and often complained that they are too loud. Serbian customary response was to throw large tomato's at their heads.
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Wars with Ottoman Empire (15th century - 18th century)
Worst conflict for Serbian people was one with Ottomans was at Battle of Kosovo in 1389. There, great Ottoman army was stormed at Serbs, thus defeating it in daylong battle. This was never confirmed, though, and there are numerous books on Victory of Serbs in this all-day war, and none of the Turks' books (they haven't had technology to write books back then). Even though Serbs won this battle, and not Ottoman empire, as previously said, Turks got into Serbia somehow, and stayed there for long 500 years to come. Legend tells that lone Serbian knight, Duke Miloš Obilić, snuck into Turkish camp, and killed Soultan Murat. Surprisingly, Serbs celebrated their worst defeat as if they supremely won this battle! The knight was later decapitaded by the son of Murat, The great Soultan, Bajazit. Serbs then stopped celebrating.
Until this day a mistery surrounds this epic battle. It is unclear how Duke Miloš Obilić managed to pass trough Turkish checkpoints and escape using a T-80 armored vehicle. It is a legend that is passing from generation to generation of Serbs and still inspiring new warriors to continue this unfare battle. Some say Miloš was on the dark side, some say he was just another guy from local fitness club who joined war for fun. Great soultan Bajazit was very angry when he found out that some Serbian bodybuilder killed his father. So angry that he launched a SCUD missile directly on party that serbs made to celebrate battle loss. After smoke has cleared and decontamination was done, sad news was spreading, Miloš the Pencilhead was dead.
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"Modern" Serbia
In 1815, King of Serbia decided he wanted to retire at the age of 30, and since his son was little "strange", he decreed Serbia to be republic. Majority of population was not ecstatic at prospect of having to go out and vote once in a while, and president was elected by draft amongst unwilling citizens well into 20th century, when they made computer smart enough to rule country (By using Random function), so they could sleep late.
In 1867, Serb people started to notice that their current footwear, opanci, were becoming more useless and started throwing them at Greece. New generation of platform shoes called slavboots were created and therefore started war between Montenegro (negro mountain in latin) and man.
In 1914, Austria-Hungary (called that despite persisted non-existence of Hungary) declared war after assassination of archduke Franz Ferdinand by Bosnian Pro-Serb Activity group Mlada Bosna (Young Bosnia), lead by assassinator, and a chewing gum inventor Gavrilo Princip. Serbs claimed, "he had it coming" because "he was frontin'". War lasted for 4 years because Serbia had bet with France that Serbs could defeat Austrians, Turks and Germans by using nothing except their faeces. And they did. France had to give bet money back, and got into economical breakdown for 30 years to come.
Brief peace was shattered in 1939 when Adolph Hitler invaded Poland. This made Serbs very angry, as they had (one)friend there, so they declared war on Germany. England, France, Russia and America were also in, or something. War ended in 1945 when Serbs nuked Berlin using brand new weapon developed by their very own crazy scientist, Nikola Tesla. This weapon is now widely used in fictional Video Games and more fictional Movies, and is called Millenium Falcon or Death Star, whatever.
During victory celebration party, couple of dope-smoking communists led by Marshal Tito noticed that Main Government Building was empty, as all ministers were dancing drunk and naked in the streets. Communists seized opportunity to take over Main Government Building and declare themselves new rulers. Shaky alliance with Russia was shattered when Tito got in slap fight with Boris Stalin.
Cold War years were hard on neutral Serbia, and they often threatened both America and Soviet Union to "stop acting up" and "play nice" and show off their nuclear potential of one nuclear power plant. Cold War ended in 1989 when president of Serbia said that if they don't end hostilities immediately, Serbia would just pick up and leave. Then he leaned against Berlin Wall to have a smoke, but foundation was of inferior workmanship and it came crashing down. Not Serbian fault, honest.
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Serbia Today
Is a name of Agricultural show that goes once a week on national television, and also prospect of what's going on today. Today, Serbia is rebuilding after 1999 attacks by cruel and merciless Americans, British, German, and all other who have helped them (and vice-versa) in long years after World War 2. Serbia is no longer Communist country, it is now Democratic, which means more McDonald's restaurants per sq. kilometer (fictional unit made to show off in front of British: we don't have foots, we have meters...), and VAT added to almost everything they(alien life form often called government, king, etc. They are known for taking your money in a way you are not aware, and think it's all for good of mankind) can think of. Serbia's prosperity can be merely explained by almost-winning the Eurosong contest, and more by International donations in the last couple of years. If you want a look at Serbia, and possibly money, go to Belgrade, rent-a-plane, and enjoy your view. We have mountains with trees and grasslands, honest.
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