pon, 9. siječnja '06 u 16:31
READ THIS:
-The famous sasquatch video footage is actually Chuck Norris
returning to
his woodland home after a night of heavy binge drinking and
unprotected sex.
-Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' home is a Total
Gym.
-Chuck Norris sweats Gatorade.
-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy so hard, he
actually grew
younger.
-Onions make Chuck Norris sad.
-In 1979, Chuck Norris became the first black man to win the
New York
Marathon.
-Chuck Norris is Batman.
-In order to show Lance Armstrong what was up, Chuck Norris
smoked 6 cartons
of cigarettes a day for 3 years. During this time, Chuck
developed 7
different kinds of cancer. However, Chuck was able to rid
all cancer from
his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
-Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks
-Chuck Norris has no concept of time. If you go inside his
house you will
find no clocks of any kind whatsoever. If you get up from
his couch and tell
him you must be going because it is getting late, he'll just
stare at you
blankly until you sit back down.
-Chuck Norris is made out of plastic.
-Chuck Norris' beard is made out of all 118 elements of the
periodic table.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs.
When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I
can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the
face.
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will
simply stare at you grimly.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all
3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at
her and saying "BOOYA".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't
see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation,
Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he
plays zombie.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the
force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's
hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave
them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much
heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial
Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly
declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds
because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard
it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of
chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse
kicking Chan in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen
from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the
extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving,
Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his
backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live
turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds
later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the
entire cake before they could tell him
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the
entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper
in it
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger,
by yelling, "Bang!"
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space
you know who would win?
Chuck Norris
In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris
replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It
helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him
holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card,
a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the
game Uno.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue
ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous
creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human
being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of
the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked
through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to
misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of
it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn
occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in
existence.
Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages
to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he
replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until
he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his
beer.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living snot out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the snot out of little kids
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
-There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
-Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire
-Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
-Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
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