čet, 2. lipnja '05 u 11:40
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
STAR WARS
EPISODE III
A VERY BIG EXPLOSION
After three years of combat, the treacherous CLONE WARS have finally come to an end. Anakin Skywalker, young padawan of General Obi-Wan Kenobi, has slain the villainous Count Dooku and become a full-fledged Jedi Knight. During the height of combat, Anakin managed to impregnate his wife Padme Amidala through a BROKEN CONDOM. On the cusp of childbirth, C-3P0 and Senator Jar Jar Binks have rushed the bride of Skywalker to Coruscant General Hospital where she's nearing the end of her exhaustive labor...
(A shot of cold, inexplicably noisy outer space is shown. The CGI faux camera pans down to show the city planet of Coruscant, cutting below it's clouds and zooming in on a building shaped like a granite dinner roll. Behold the majesty of Coruscant General Hospital. Inside, Threepio and Jar Jar are coaching Padme through her childbirth)
C-3P0: "Keep pushing, Mistress Padme! Remember your focal point... my shiny new gold plating that you installed on me for this very reason!"
(As Padme screams in agony, young Luke Skywalker flies out of her as a projectile, shooting straight towards Threepio's head, knocking the gold droid over)
C-3PO: "Oh, the Maker! It seems my internal THX-1180 circuits have been damaged, the very circuits containing my life's history. My memory has been wiped! What's this... a human baby?"
(Padme continues to scream, and two more babies follow)
Jar Jar: "Mesa bombad muey muey surprised! Triplets! Me go get Ani to tell him good news!"
(Jar Jar steps outside the cramped room, and then returns. Anakin enters the room with his war buddies Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, and Bail Organa to view his triplets)
Anakin: "They're beautiful. Not like sand at all."
Padme: "Anakin, I'd like you to meet your children... Luke, Leia, and Han."
(Anakin bends over and picks up little Han Skywalker, accidently cutting the baby's chin with his metal arm)
Anakin: "Ooh, I'm sorry Han. I hope that doesn't scar."
(Qui-Gon Jinn's spirit appears)
Qui-Gon: "Greetings from the great beyond!"
Everybody: "QUI-GON JINN!"
Obi-Wan: "But you died! I was there!"
Qui-Gon: "You are correct, my very young apprentice. However, before I passed away, I discovered that through the power of Midichlorians, it was possible to survive the void of death, and I was able to retain my identity through the living Force!"
Anakin: "Master Qui-Gon, I've been wondering... what are Midichlorians?"
Qui-Gon: "Cancer. You're all horribly ill people, you know that? Midichlorians are mutated blood cells, but they give you magic powers not unlike that movie Phenomenon. Remember that one? John Travolta had a brain tumor, but it let him levitate things, and..."
(Qui-Gon farts)
Jar Jar: "PEE-YOUSA!"
Qui-Gon: "Anyway, to get to the point, to preserve your life essence you most focus all of your spirtual energy into your cancer. After that, your body should vanish and you become one with the living Force. Of course, my body didn't vanish, but I'll leave that for the novels and comics to explain. Now, let me test the Skywalker children's Midichlorians to see just how powerful they are with the Force. I'll start with young Luke."
(Qui-Gon's ghost jabs a needle into Luke's arm, extracts some blood, and then runs the tests)
Qui-Gon: "It's off the charts! This boy is the one the Jedi prophecy speaks of!"
Mace Windu: "You refer to the prophecy of the one who helps the one who will bring balance to the Force... bring balance to the Force?"
Yoda: "Padme, give us your children for Jedi training, you must."
Padme: "I can't give you my babies! I just gave birth to them!"
Yoda: "Mmmm... yes. Too old to complete the training."
Anakin: "Padme my love, what seems to be troubling you?"
Padme: "Ani... I have a confession to make. The children...they're not yours. One night about nine months ago you were off in a battle, and I came down with a case of the jungle fever. Ani... their real father is Mace."
Anakin: "No... I HATE YOU!"
(Anakin takes his lightsaber and slices Mace in half. The enraged Jedi turns his attention towards Padme and the triplets)
Obi-Wan: "Oh, man. 13 years of my life training that brat, and now he just up and turns to the dark side. Maybe I should have just gotten a Chia Pet instead."
(As Anakin approaches Padme and his children with his lightsaber in one hand and Mace's in another, Dr. Chewbacca Solo races into the room and grabs Han Skywalker. Obi-Wan retrieves Luke, and Bail Organa nabs Leia)
Yoda: "Mmmm.... the future of the galaxy, clouded in darkness it is. There is no hope."
Obi-Wan: "Wait... I've got an idea... a new hope. Dr. Solo, I want you to raise that child as your own, and I'll meet you in the Mos Eisley Cantina 18 years from this date on the condition that we pretend we've never met. Bail, take the droids and Leia to Alderaan. She'll be safe there."
Bail: "Unless the planet blows up."
(Both men laugh)
Obi-Wan: "I'll take Luke to the planet Anakin was raised on to be cared after Anakin's only known relatives. He'll never think of looking there."
Yoda: "And hide on the swampy planet of Dagobah I will, because a craven coward am I."
(As Yoda leads, Obi-Wan, Bail and Threepio, and Dr. Chewbacca Solo leave the room with babies in tow)
Padme: "Hey guys... what about me? Oh my, I'm so very sad! What a terrible last memory for my daughter to have of me!"
(Anakin proceeds to kill Padme and Jar Jar with super cool action figure selling dual lightsaber action, and then from under the hospital bed arises Emperor Darth Sidious Palpatine)
Palpatine: "Yes, I sense the anger flowing through you! Join me! With my emergency war powers that Jar Jar Binks granted me, together we can rule the galaxy!"
Anakin: "Okay."
(Anakin begins to wheeze and cough)
Anakin: "Sorry, you'll have to excuse me. I've smoked deathsticks for far too many years. My lungs aren't in good shape."
Palpatine: "I will build you a suit to sustain your life if you destroy the Jedi for me. Now, go. Your brand new personal TIE Fighter awaits outside. Once you complete your task, meet me in orbit on the giant spherical super-weapon I'm currently building."
(Anakin races outside into the parking garage to his TIE Fighter and takes off)
Anakin: "YIPPEEE! Now THIS is pod racing!"
(Anakin heads towards the Jedi Temple but flies wildly through a hangar, landing right in front of the Temple's reactor)
Anakin: "Uh oh! This is NOT good! Hey, what does this do?"
(Anakin launches a photon torpedo, destroying the reactor and creating a very big explosion that annihilates the Jedi Temple, accidently murdering all of the Jedi in the process. He narrowly escapes, and flies to the super-weapon in construction over Coruscant, pulling into its docking bay)
Palpatine: "Excellent. The guardians of the Republic are dead, paving way for my Galactic Empire. You have served me well, young Skywalker. Or should I say... Darth Vader?"
(Mechanical engineer Grando Calrissian hands Anakin the black robotic suit he just finished building)
Grando: "The Emperor has great hope for you, Lord Vader, just as I have hope for my newborn son, Lando! I think you're going to be a star... a star of DEATH!"
Palpatine: "Star of death... I like that. Grando, you've done it again! Oh, by the way Lord Vader, did I mention Darth Maul is alive?"
(Darth Maul comes out of the shadows with robotic spider legs)
Palpatine: "What a cool action fig... er, asset to the Galactic Empire he will make! Say, did I mention that Boba Fett is my brother?
(Young Boba Fett walks out of the shadows wearing a modified version of his father's armor)
Palpatine: "You see, I'm a clone of Jango Fett, and it's because of my inherited bounty hunting sleuth skills that I tracked Queen Amidala's ship to Tatooine 13 years ago. Oh... I'm also ex-Jedi Sifo-Dyas, and Yoda was my padawan! Weird, huh?"
Grando: "Yes my Emperor, it's a small galaxy after all! Now, let me show you my newest invention! It's a teleporter, and it can transport a living being from one location to another instantaneously! Here, I'll demonstrate it on myself!"
(Grando steps into one of the teleporter chambers, but unknown to him there's a fish wiggling on the chamber floor. Grando pulls the switch and his molecules are sent to the chamber sitting beside it. A disheveled Grando stumbles out, and to Palpatine's horror, his prized mechancial engineer has become a fish man)
Grando: "ACK! I'm a fish! Man on man, do I ever need a drink from the bar! ACK! BAR! ACK! BAR!"
Palpatine: "Man, that's what I get for hiring a negro. From now on, I'm only going to employ middle-aged British men. You're fired!"
Ackbar: "Fine, but I'll show you! I'll call up a few of my friends, and we'll start a rebellion against your empire, and we're not going to let any of you doodoo heads in it!"
(Ackbar leaves the Death Star)
Palpatine: "Say Vader, did I ever mention that I am your father?"
Nadam se da ste se nasmijali... ja sam rikla kad sam procitala...
Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
Pogledajte ga samo kada Luke dode na Dagobah
razočaran sam,but i'll live
rotfl rotfl ma LOL... ma
Chrome, but this forum works even with Imperial browsers. Droids and Internet Explorer browser forbidden.
